The Winter Olympics. Where skiers, snowboarders, curlers, and whoever-the-fuck else comes together to pretend not to harbour any centuries-long prejudices.

 

The closing ceremony is much like the opening, filled with a confusing mix of key changes, long-winded speeches, and the kind of perpetual waving and smiling that induces anxiety.

 

These are all the thoughts we had during the Pyeongchang closing ceremony.

 

1.) Why’s there a man singing  in the children’s choir?

 

2.) This athlete’s parade – is it compulsory? I sure as shit wouldn’t go. They’re waving at the crowd and the crowd ain’t waving back.

 

 

3.) The music’s like driving up to the podium on Mario Kart. And coming third.

 

4.) Half these athletes are on their phone. Hitting up Spota one last time for a ceremonial bang?

 

5.) There’s an obvious disparity between the have’s and have not’s. Those without medals are looking at those with medals like they’ve just invaded Poland.

 

6.) Question – what the fuck’s a band supposed to play when you’ve got a thousand different countries all walking around in a perpetual circle?

 

7.) And is this what happens when their trainers aren’t around? The athletes just go around in circles to the imaginary voice in their head …

 

 

8.) Looks like the mascot’s going cross-eyed. Is his IQ dropping radically in real time?

 

9.) There’s some kind of sacred, psychedelic tortoise swimming through time and space.

 

10.) There only be hotties out here at the Winter Olympics. Even the curlers are smokin’. All these sports are rich people sports. Money makes people attractive. Even the ugly ones. Truth.

 

 

11.) There’s some epic lip-syncing going on here.

 

12.) Now there’s actual go-karts with an 8-piece boy band jumping out.

 

13.) I’m fucking out.

 

Did anyone else catch Justin Timberlake’s God-awful half-time performance?