Cut | February 19, 2018

My housemates keep finding me lying over the couch, in the darkness, with a can of coke. Sometimes, when I hear them coming in, I change positions, so I feel a sense of accomplishment.

 

I plug into the internet, that glowing white light illuminating all kinds of sordid parliamentary sex rumps, erratic boat violence, and one-eyed rescue dogs with new homes.

 

Here’s all the news you missed over the weekend.

 

Carnival Chaos: More Reasons To Never Go On A Cruise.

 

 

Absolute anarchy in the South Pacific, as a whole family (of 23) were removed from the ship, following accounts of gang-like violence erupting on deck. The violence started on Friday night at the nightclub (ships have nightclubs?) The flustered captain:  ‘What do you want me to do about it – throw them overboard?’.

 

Uh, no. Make ’em walk the plank.

 

Donovan Mitchell Tops NBA Slam Dunk Contest.

 

 

You better make a statement if you’re wearing Vince Carter’s jersey. Mitchell took the title over Larry Nance Jnr. who impersonated his father with a rock-the-cradle dunk.

 

We also had Victor Oladipo borrow Chadwick Boseman’s Black Panther Mask, and Kevin Hart kneeling alongside  kids to set a flight path for Mitchell.

 

Snowboarder Ester Ledecka Takes Gold In Alpine Skiing 

 

 

The 26th racer to take the course, snowboarder Ledecka from the Czech Republic wasn’t expected to poll. Those in medal positions were hugging families and prepping for photos. Then Ledecka tore down the mountain, claiming gold, and blowing everyones minds – including her own.

 

Ledecka’s reaction?

 

“How did that happen?”

 

Barnaby X Malcom: Somehow, We All Know That No One Wins And We All Lose.

 

 

Yep, still talking about it. The war of words has not ended, with calls for the leader of the Nationals to resign in disgrace – if you live under a rock, you won’t know that we have all found out waaaay too much about Joyce’s sex life this week.

 

Drake Adhering To God’s Plan, If That Plan Involved Giving Away $1 Million.

 

 

He’s done it again: Drizzy offloaded a cool one mill on the set of his God’s Plan music video in the U.S. The video was released on the weekend, showing the man himself giving cash away to various citizens of Florida. The budget of the video was spent on giving back to the community, through donations to a women’s shelter and schools.

 

Russia X USA On Ice: Better Than The Disney Version.

 

 

This seems like a good idea: let’s pit two superpower nations into a different type of cold war (yeah I said it) and make them compete in one of the most punishing and brutal sports of all: ice hockey.

 

How could this go wrong? 

 

Spoiler alert: The Russians win.

 

adidas Throws An Insane Party At 747 Warehouse St, LA. 

 

 

adidas went to town at the 747 Warehouse for the All-Star Weekend. For two days, bball fans were able to cop exclusive kicks, catch performances by Kid Cudi (Kanye appearance included), Childish Gambino, N.E.R.D. and more, and watch Snoop Dogg take on 2 Chainz.

 

Did you hear? We also obtained the full job description for Malcom Turnbull’s parliamentary sex watchdog. 

 

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