In political news that – if we are being honest – none of us really want to hear, Malcolm Turnbull has announced that he is pushing for a ban on politicians engaging in sexual intercourse with their staff. 

via GIPHY

In terms of enforcing this clause, I am excited to announce that the job description for the new Parliamentary position has been exclusively obtained by The Cut.

Here it is:

JOB: The Person Literally Has To Make Sure That The People Who Are The Bosses Aren’t Having Sex With The People Who Are Not The Bosses/Or Who Are Not Their Spouses Though That Is More Flexible.

DEPARTMENT: Parliamentary Watchdog

DESCRIPTION: Are you a fun go-getter, with an enthusiastic attitude? Related: do you also love salacious gossip? Combine these ideals and you’ll excel at this job, where it is YOUR responsibility to ensure that Turnbull’s new ‘no staff sex’ clause is upheld.

You will focus on the distribution of a brief questionnaire every single morning, amongst all the staff. This is what the questionnaire will show:

Did you have sex with one of your staffers last night?

PLEASE CIRCLE AN OPTION BELOW:

YES

NO

Has the fabric of this wonderful, apparently sex-mad nation truly crumbled to nothing? Is this really news? Is this really something that will be etched into the laws of our nation – and it only took 5 million light years to even make a start on gay marriage? 

Please send all applications to: The Barnaby Joyce Memorial Office, 6969 Sex Street, Canberra, ACT

Meanwhile, in New York, politicians are trying to make Tide Pods less delicious.