Ah, lovely autumn – what better time to overhaul your wardrobe and make a serious change. The question is, who should inspire change? Who epitomises fashion? Who personifies style?

 

Have you figured it out?

 

Of course you have.

 

It’s pornstars from the ’80s.

 

5. The Wedding Dress

 

Why reserve your wedding dress for only your wedding day? Pop it on with a pair of absurdly bright heels and you’ve got an outfit suitable for all occasions. Whether you’re going to work, dropping your kids off at school, or waiting for your husband to leave so that you can have obnoxiously loud sex with your next-door neighbour – this one suits all occasions.

 

4. Flirty Florals

 

Thought florals were only found on your grandma’s couch? Well, you thought wrong. Rip up that couch, turn it into a skirt, pair it with a mullet, and you’re guaranteed a place in Hollywood’s next big orgy (or at least a quickie with the repairman who came over to fix your dishwasher).

 

3. Fuck-Me-Fur

 

Is just being a pretentious dickhead not enough for you? Do you want to look like one too? Well, do I have the fashion item for you. Not only does fur scream “I’m way richer than you”, but it also says: “I’m a complete asshole who murders animals for fashion”. If wearing a fur coat in the middle of Summer doesn’t get you laid, I don’t know what will.

 

2. Paedophile Plaid

 

Always wanted to look like that creepy math teacher from high school that breathes too loudly? Have you ever considered plaid? Wearing plaid – particularly clashing forms of plaid – can transform any Average Joe into Mr. Jenkins, that leering authority figure who manipulates young, vulnerable women into having sex with him. Score!

 

1. The Sexy Maid

 

Ever met someone in a French maid costume that didn’t you didn’t end up sleeping with?

 

Neither.

 

‘Nuff said.

 

Speaking of provocative fashion – did you see Nicolas Cage in his latest Superman get-up? 

 

 

All images sourced from flashback.