Vile creatures are plotting to take away our beloved goon sacks.
The iconic Australian cask wine largely responsible for ruining your 20s has reported a 5% drop in sales that threatens to lay bare clotheslines across the land of Oz.
Australians are abandoning cultural staples Fruity Lexia and Stanley’s Shiraz Cabernet in favour of more expensive, bottled wine.
(What’s going on guys? Are we only drinking juice from the Bordeaux region now?)
Federal and state ministers are even proposing a new health care plan that would spike the cost of your Coolabah to over $50.00 a sack.
Anyway, we’ll be heading to the hills with fellow exiles Barnaby Joyce and Jacqui Lambie to start a colony of half-cut, half-literate, ultra-violent goon ambassadors.
Or we could just start a hashtag.
There’s always hope when noblemen like this walketh the earth.
Slurp it down, son. The future depends on it.